Do you regret your marriage, and why?
Yes, my first marriage was a disaster. It was actually an arranged marriage and I had no clues as to what kind of a person I’m going to spend the rest of my life with. When his lies, selfishness, lack of love and greediness surfaced, it had become difficult for me to stay under one roof. We separated soon after.
Later on I realized my mistake and I would like to share it with you.
Oftentimes people get into a relationship before taking the time to figure out who they are and what they need. They may spend more time researching their perfect car, which they will have for a short time, than they will researching their needs, wants and goals for their perfect relationship, which they expect to have for a lifetime. Therefore, step 1 is about self-discovery. If you are in a relationship just because it’s expected of you, it might backfire on you soon.
I am in the middle of a divorce after 27 years, which I thought was going to be forever. I didn’t want the divorce, initially. However, now that we have been separated over a year, I didn’t know how much I had changed. I am now somewhat glad we are divorcing. I wish we could have both changed and worked it out, but too much water under the bridge. I have changed significantly, being happier and more comfortable with the new me.
One of the toughest problems in long term marriage is that as time goes on you lose a sense of self, as you melt together as a couple. This loss of self is a big problem. Some look outside of the marriage for activities or even relationships not because they don’t love their spouse, but because they feel truly lost.
I think a truth about marriage: In the beginning of a marriage or relationship you argue and disagree because you are different and don’t know each other. In the end, you argue and disagree because you know everything about your significant other.
No. This September will be 25 years of marriage for us (I was 23 and my wife was 24 when we married). We have four children. I never regret my decision to marry, in fact, I’m very thankful for her presence in my life. This being stated I do not want anyone to believe that I am representing that I have a “perfect” marriage.
There have been great times and challenging times in my marriage. In the end though, I have grown significantly as a human being because of the experiences I have had in my marriage. My view of marriage and what it means to me is based on learnings that I have come to realize over the years:
-My goal in my marriage is to share my love with my wife. To me, if I am not filled with love, joy, forgiveness, service or any other virtue, I will be unable to share it with my wife.
-I’ve leaned to listen with attention to my wife (and others) because of my wife. I will forever be thankful to her for this skill. It has made me better in ALL my relationships, personal and professional.
-I’ve learned and continue to learn to accept others as they are. To make choices about the people with whom I wish to invest my time and the activities in which I choose to participate.
-I’ve learned that there is no “soul mate”. If there is a soul mate it is to be found within ourselves.
-I’ve learned patience, forgiveness, acceptance, and much more because my wife and I are different. Because we have disagreements, arguments etc. . . Every time we have differences I make a choice to focus on what it is I can learn from the exchange.
Finally, I want to make one additional point about marriage and in many ways life. Today it appears we live in a throw away, instant gratification society. We look for the fast and easy solution and cut our losses when things don’t go our way. Marriage is not easy and it is not for the feint of heart. It takes an enormous commitment. Things will go wrong. Your expectations will not be met. You will suffer from time to time. This is life, this is marriage. How we respond is what matters. I think marriage is so great because in reality it is the most difficult thing in the world and it reveals everything about our character as humans.
I continue to love, respect and care for my wife. I am thankful for our time together.